Iraq-a primer for your children

17 06 2014

thGather around children and I will explain what is happening in Iraq today.

It all began a long time ago when the goodies (us, we are always the goodies, unlike others who sometimes are good and sometimes bad or just always bad) invaded Iraq to get rid of the baddies. Some of the baddies were Al quida(the unspellable), who had begun as goodies in Afghanistan and then became baddies. We thought that if we got rid of King Saddam ‘the weaponless’ of Iraq, Al Queda would be beaten too even although Saddam was an enemy of Al Qieda (go figure).

After a long time and lots of deaths of men, women and children which we regret every one of, the goodies won. When the goodies had won we put another goodie in charge and left. Meanwhile in another part of the forest another baddie, King Assad, was in charge of Syria. This baddie too was against Al kuida when they were fighting him but for them when they were fighting the goodies in Syria. This time we just encouraged the goodies in Syria to get rid of the baddies themselves, with our money plus guns from Saudi Arabia (see below). Lots of men, women and children died which we regret every one of, but this time it was not the we goodies but the they goodies (and the baddies of course) that did it, so phew.

Then the goodies from Syria did a bad, bad thing. Some of them became baddies because they were joined up with Saudi Arabia, which is a goodie that sometimes does BAD things (but not a baddie oh no). Some of these baddies were so bad that the baddie Al queida thought they were too bad even for them. Then these worse baddies crossed over into Iraq and became the new baddies there. It did not help that the goodie we had put in charge of Iraq turned out to be a bit of a baddie himself (you cannot trust these Arabs). Then we goodies went to another  (President ‘evil axis’ Rouhani of Iran) and said, we know you are a baddie, but would you help us with some worse baddies, who are even worse than the ones we thought were the baddies in the first place(Al Quiada). Which is sort of like joining the Evil Axis but not really as we cannot be evil only good (see line 1)

And then we thought, it would be a good idea if the baddies in Syria( Bad king Assad) got rid of the worse baddies in Iraq so that the remaining goodies in Syria (Whom we know well from many agreeable lunches in the Edgware Road) could then get on with beating the baddies in Syria (Bad King Assad) along with the help of the baddies in Iran ( who will help us beat the worse baddies in Syria until we win and then they will go back to just being the baddies in Iran). For our part, we will go to the office and rain down good bombs on everybody’s heads from our drone consoles and many men, women and children will die of which we regret everyone.

And then a strange thing happened.

We began to wonder if maybe King Saddam’the weaponless’ and Bad King Assad had not been so bad after all, and were a bit like the Pharoah Sisi in Egypt, a necessary evil. And even , even that so bad were the worse baddies in Syria and Iraq that Al queeda (who we wanted to get rid of by invading Iraq, see line 1) seemed like not quite so bad in comparison to the worse baddies.….but we are still thinking that one over.

So you see, children, the lesson is that sometimes it is hard to exactly draw the line between good and bad (except when it is us (see line 1)) and sometimes we take up to 5 minutes of thought to decide who is good and who is bad before we wreck countries and create failed states.

Next week’s lesson: Afghanistan, dizzy with success

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